It was my birthday on Saturday and I had a delightful weekend celebrating. I thought I would probably get the post celebratory slump, especially as I ate sugar on Sunday at my afternoon tea picnic.
Yesterday I was relatively okay. Rick came over after work, we did a few errands and then I was really wrung out. I put it down to walking a LOT at Mitre 10 Mega and the aforementioned sugar and party slump. Today, however, it has really hit me that I am in my MID THIRTIES. I am single (well, unmarried), I don't have children (hopefully just 'yet') and life is not at all what I planned it to be.
In theory I know that The Universe has my back. Some amazing abundance came my way the other day and my health is at an all-time high! I am dancingI am dating a wonderful man and he also wants babies, should our journey take that path together.
I should be really happy, but today I am grieving for the 'life that didn't'. You know all of those dreams that you thought would be yours, but you decided to go in other directions. Directions that I am so very happy I went in. Yeah, them. I am grieving that thanks to my advanced age and my Chronic Fatigue, the chances are high that I won't get the large family I always dreamed of. I am grieving for the friendships that couldn't get through my mental health issues and the business that has been put on hold while I sort out the Chronic Fatigue. I am grieving for the many, many, many hours I spent getting to know people who are no longer in my life, for the projects that I then went on to abandon and the plans that I had but never achieved.
I SO love my life and I am oh, soooo grateful to be where I am. I know that I needed to explore those areas and to go through that loss to get to where I am now. No one said however, that it wouldn't hurt. A LOT.
I decided to go easy on myself today. To trust that I would be okay. However, I kept being guided to reads stories about mamas. I am hoping that it's to prepare me and that I will get to have my own mamahood journey before long. I pray that I will get to experience that particular joy. I was talking with a friend about how I feel really 'empty' right now. Of course that's the absolute worst time to have a child. I never want to bring a baby into the world to try and fill a gap. In my opinion, a baby should only EVER be an addition to an already rich and rewarding life. Otherwise how will I cope with the lack of sleep, the feeling like crap all the time and the inability to leave the house without a lot of planning. Oh hang on a sec, that sure sounds a lot like my life over the last seven years with ME/CFS and food allergies ha ha Maybe things wouldn't be as hard as I think :P
So, an honest look at where I am in life right now...
- Making: Love with my beau as often as we can ;) I love the long slow days in bed where you talk about life, feelings and direction you plan on heading in. I LOVE falling in love!
- Cooking: Stirfries, my ol' regular curries and surprisingly after being vegan for almost 3 years, a little meat. I joke to my friends that Rick is the drug dealer of the meat industry. As in, he literally distributes meat for a job :o It sure is taking a little getting used to, but I have been pondering moving to a paleo diet for a while as the research I have done suggests it's good for people with auto-immune conditions. I am scheduled to see the gastrointestinal dietitian at the hospital in Nov, so we'll see what she has to say. The community dietitian thinks that I may have to go onto a FODMAP diet, but that seemed a lot less restrictive than my current diet, so I have my fingers' crossed!
- Drinking: Water! I was getting too dehydrated and the dietitian was concerned about my coffee consumption (although I know MANY people who would drink a LOT more coffee than me! I was drinking one regular and 2-4 decaf coffees a day and she felt that it was too much). I do not eat enough calories and she thought that if I drank less coffee, I might eat more food. Unfortunately not the case, I am still not hungry much at all and the thought of food leaves me feeling a little nauseous. Oh well, less than a month until my hospital appointment and more water can only be a good thing!
- Reading: Right now I am loving NZ Your House and Garden. I was really looking forward to a subscription for my birthday from my mother, but she decided at the last minute to just give me money again, so I have to go without. I try to go to my local coffee shop 10-15 mins earlier if I have a coffee date and pour over it. It's fabulous!
- Wearing: Rick and I went to the local Save Mart on Sunday and I found lots of gorgeous new clothes! I am feeling so much more in alignment with who I really am when I wear them and I only bought things that fit well and made me feel fabulous. I now have a large pile of things to go to an op-shop. I love to purge after buying new things. If I have anything that doesn't feel as great to wear as the new things, then out they go! It's part of my minimalism plan, but it also means that it's so much easier to get dressed every day!
- Feeling: Grief, gratitude and soooo, sooooo much love! My man is always telling me how much he loves me and I am loving him in return. Of course, we've not been together very long, so that love will only grow. Such wonderful times! Abundance has been flowing into my life lately and I am so grateful for it. The grief that I am feeling will flow past and I am allowing it to be part of my life without wallowing in it. So proud of how well I manage my emotions these days. Being mentally ill was some of the hardest times I have ever been through. I am so grateful for having a different way of seeing the world now and moving past a very difficult mental health condition!
- Needing: Time to recover from the birthday. Time to be okay with being emotional and lots of loves.
- Listening to: Spotify 'Throwback Thursday' when I want music and lots and lots of Abraham Hicks recordings on YouTube! I had gotten too far away from Spirit and they've really helped me get back in alignment. I'd been getting abundance in small trickles. Now it's flooding in!
- Saying yes to right now: Nurturing myself and doing things that feel fabulous. Opportunities. New love. Abundance. Space in the calendar. Living life in alignment with Source.
- Saying no to right now: Things that drain me, or that I have an energetic discord with. Spending time with people that are not good for me. Pressuring or talking negative to myself. Too many commitments.
- Thinking about: Babies and finances.
- Worrying about: Not getting to have babies and whether my new career direction will be a factor in that.
- Noticing: How amazing life is when you follow your inner guidance system!
- Working toward: Living my Core Desired Feelings consistently! I have my list outside the toilet door and every time I pee, I read through the list and allow the positive emotions to flow over me.
- Pinning: Information about being an ENFP and for some random reason about mothering twins. I have always had a 'premonition' that I would have twins, but after my boys (twin kittens) came into my life 9 years ago the feeling dissipated. Several months ago the feeling of twin girls came into being and I am not sure what that means yet. Rick has twin sons from a previous relationship, so that might be the reason it's on my mind? I am not too sure, but for some reason today I was called to look at wrapping twins. I am a big believer in wearing babies/toddlers and as long as my body can handle it, I would love to do this if I am blessed with children. When my Goddaughter was born I purchased a Moby wrap for the new parents and I love wearing her in it as I plodded about the house. It felt very right and natural to me. I have NO idea why today I felt called to investigate this, but I was and I pinned several images and read througha couple fo blogs about parenting newborn twins.
- Finding most nurturing: Knowing that I have a friendship group of women. Being friends with women is a relatively new thing for me and as I feel called to step into my feminine, it's becoming more and more important to me. Spending my birthday with 10 women, was pure magic!
- Dreaming about: I am not normally much of a (night time) dreamer, but lately I have been having really vivid dreams about loss, death and endings. They feel so real and hard to shake throughout the next morning. Pretty understandable as I go into a new phase of life with a new relationship and business. My daytime dreams involve mainly relationship and business goals. I am so excited about life and where I am heading!
- What I’m grateful for right now: I am sooooo grateful for Rick. On paper we are so incompatible and perhaps we are long term?, but he is so good for me right now! He excites me, yet calms me simultaneously. He encourages me to go after my dreams with gusto and he lets me cry in his arms when it all feels a little too tough. He dances Ceroc with me and is likely to take part in a dance competition with me at the end of Jan next year. We go to town and party like a couple of teenagers. He makes me laugh and grin and make goofy faces. He gives me hope that I may get to be a mama yet and he will make such a great father! The way he speaks about his boys makes my heart sing!
As always, take care and know that you're loved!