I am growing into this femininity, it feels so strange after trying to conform to the standards of a predominately male world, but I continue the journey as it feels right and authentic. With these new guidelines in place, I decided a couple of months ago that I was ready to start dating again. I had gained a lot of knowledge, self-respect and confidence from the books I had read and from practicing these new skills with my (now-ex) finace. I had gained a friend in my ex but my heart wanted love. A man that would respect me and this journey that I am on. Someone that I could share myself with and to continue to develop skills alongside. I decided to wet my feet with friendships. I don't know many people in the area where I live after such a long time being confined due to illness. I wanted this to change. I learnt that it is vital to 'spread the load' so to speak and that it is not fair for one person to be your sole confidant and moral booster. I want to have a network of friends in place before I enter another serious relationship so I have joined a weekly board game club, I have started Laughter Yoga and I am trying to get in touch with people more regularly.
I didn't really expect to meet anyone that would be a 'Soulmate'. I just wanted upbeat positive people to spend my time with so I could continue to raise my vibration. I had a few friends that I wanted to stay in contact with but I also wanted to expand my horizons. I met one new friend who inspired me to finally take the plunge and become vegan. I really admire his commitment to health and his great knowledge in this area. I enjoy hanging out with him and the texts that we share. Life was becoming more like the place I envisioned, rather than the lonely single life that I had endured for a month before realising that I needed to do more. Then someone came into my life that I could imagine getting to know as more than a friend. The moment that I met this man, I felt that we were 'meant' to meet. I knew that we had at least a lesson to learn from one another. Despite my learning that men need space after meeting a woman in which to process their thoughts and feelings, I resorted to my previous state of fear that I had imagined the connection we had. I reached out and he reminded me that I had agreed to giving him his space. I could have chosen to be devastated and in all honesty, I shed a couple of tears. Then I shook myself off and realised that I could reframe this. He had clearly stated his boundaries. I had over-stepped them. He gently and lovingly shared his feelings and reminded me of our agreement. It was a very interesting lesson to learn after all.
Perhaps this is to be it, the only lesson I learn from this amazing man. It is early days of our acquaintance after all, but perhaps this is merely one of many. All I know, is that I am grateful for this reminder that life is a series of lessons and experiences. We can take each one either negatively or positively. Yes, it can take a lot of energy to reframe things. But it is worth it. In the past I would have been crying myself to sleep, now instead I have a huge grin on my face (and the desire to write). I am so very grateful for this 'mistake' that I made. We all need to fail and get back up. In doing this over and over we learn. We learn about ourselves and we learn about the world. I am proud to see that I am changing, that I will be better at boundaries and at relationships after this lesson. I really can't ask for anything else at this stage in the journey.