My babies have been spiritually calling to me for a while, letting me know that they’d chosen me, but I wasn’t ready. It just didn’t ‘feel’ right to me. I knew that it wasn’t happening yet. I knew I would be a mother, just "One Day".
Then my life changed dramatically last week when I held a five-week-old baby. There was no actual ‘Helliluyay’ My spirit guides didn’t shout out. I didn’t even get a great surge of emotion. It was a simple feeling of ‘rightness’ and I knew I was ready. I felt called to become a Mama.
Logically I know that it’s all wrong, my business is not fully set up yet, I am not financially secure yet, I have only JUST started dating my boyfriend etc. There are a million reasons why it’s NOT a good idea and only one reason why it is. Because I am ready to be a Mama.
A mere week passes and my period was late. It felt like a sign. I was ready because I WAS pregnant. Okay, not planned, but it felt right. It felt good. I was happy.
Logically I knew that I was probably likely to be late with my period this month. I have been eating sugar and that delays my period every time. I had had the mucus that comes before my period and I could smell that faint blood smell that I get for a few days before hand. I had had the PMS symptoms of a little grouchiness and then a huge burst of energy. I knew that my period was coming. I often even get several of the ‘pregnancy symptoms’ such as sore breasts and swelling and faint nausea, so they didn't really count in the ‘I am pregnant’ hope. This month I had all that. All the symptoms of my period coming were there. I knew that the chances of me being pregnant were slim.
But this time just felt so different. I had a feeling of peace and security about me. This inner ‘knowing’ that I was ready to be a Mama. But I had this strong sense of rightness in the world and for the first time in my life I was praying to be pregnant with all my heart and soul. Despite all the reasons to not be pregnant, I wanted to be and I thought that I was.
I honestly thought that I was pregnant and my time had actually come. Understandably my boyfriend was freaking out, but all I felt was love for the baby growing inside me and this feeling of calm certainty that everything would be okay.
Then yesterday I started cramping and I knew that I wasn’t pregnant. My guy came over and we did a pregnancy test. As expected, it was negative and my heart broke. I know that it’s probably for the best, but I am actually really upset. I then got my period today and I am genuinely grieving. I am bleeding this hope out and there is nothing I can do about it…
There seems like little hope. I can not even actively try to conceive because M and I are not in that place in our relationship...
Yet, this feeling remains. I am ready to be a Mama. The time has come for me to set my life up to welcome a baby into it. I don’t know how, or when, this soul will come into my life, but I need to be ready.
They're on their way and all I feel is Love….