It seems so melodramatic to say that there is a big shift from being 33, to being 34, but for me there really was!
It was my birthday on Saturday and I had a delightful weekend celebrating. I thought I would probably get the post celebratory slump, especially as I ate sugar on Sunday at my afternoon tea picnic.
Yesterday I was relatively okay. Rick came over after work, we did a few errands and then I was really wrung out. I put it down to walking a LOT at Mitre 10 Mega and the aforementioned sugar and party slump. Today, however, it has really hit me that I am in my MID THIRTIES. I am single (well, unmarried), I don't have children (hopefully just 'yet') and life is not at all what I planned it to be.
In theory I know that The Universe has my back. Some amazing abundance came my way the other day and my health is at an all-time high! I am dancingI am dating a wonderful man and he also wants babies, should our journey take that path together.
I should be really happy, but today I am grieving for the 'life that didn't'. You know all of those dreams that you thought would be yours, but you decided to go in other directions. Directions that I am so very happy I went in. Yeah, them. I am grieving that thanks to my advanced age and my Chronic Fatigue, the chances are high that I won't get the large family I always dreamed of. I am grieving for the friendships that couldn't get through my mental health issues and the business that has been put on hold while I sort out the Chronic Fatigue. I am grieving for the many, many, many hours I spent getting to know people who are no longer in my life, for the projects that I then went on to abandon and the plans that I had but never achieved.
I SO love my life and I am oh, soooo grateful to be where I am. I know that I needed to explore those areas and to go through that loss to get to where I am now. No one said however, that it wouldn't hurt. A LOT.
I decided to go easy on myself today. To trust that I would be okay. However, I kept being guided to reads stories about mamas. I am hoping that it's to prepare me and that I will get to have my own mamahood journey before long. I pray that I will get to experience that particular joy. I was talking with a friend about how I feel really 'empty' right now. Of course that's the absolute worst time to have a child. I never want to bring a baby into the world to try and fill a gap. In my opinion, a baby should only EVER be an addition to an already rich and rewarding life. Otherwise how will I cope with the lack of sleep, the feeling like crap all the time and the inability to leave the house without a lot of planning. Oh hang on a sec, that sure sounds a lot like my life over the last seven years with ME/CFS and food allergies ha ha Maybe things wouldn't be as hard as I think :P
So, an honest look at where I am in life right now...
As always, take care and know that you're loved!
A recently engaged girl in her mid-thirties living and loving life as best she can. Passionate about health, art and personal development with a side order of getting organised. A business woman, a sexual authenticity coach and a mixed-media artist.