It seems so melodramatic to say that there is a big shift from being 33, to being 34, but for me there really was!
It was my birthday on Saturday and I had a delightful weekend celebrating. I thought I would probably get the post celebratory slump, especially as I ate sugar on Sunday at my afternoon tea picnic.
Yesterday I was relatively okay. Rick came over after work, we did a few errands and then I was really wrung out. I put it down to walking a LOT at Mitre 10 Mega and the aforementioned sugar and party slump. Today, however, it has really hit me that I am in my MID THIRTIES. I am single (well, unmarried), I don't have children (hopefully just 'yet') and life is not at all what I planned it to be.
In theory I know that The Universe has my back. Some amazing abundance came my way the other day and my health is at an all-time high! I am dancingI am dating a wonderful man and he also wants babies, should our journey take that path together.
I should be really happy, but today I am grieving for the 'life that didn't'. You know all of those dreams that you thought would be yours, but you decided to go in other directions. Directions that I am so very happy I went in. Yeah, them. I am grieving that thanks to my advanced age and my Chronic Fatigue, the chances are high that I won't get the large family I always dreamed of. I am grieving for the friendships that couldn't get through my mental health issues and the business that has been put on hold while I sort out the Chronic Fatigue. I am grieving for the many, many, many hours I spent getting to know people who are no longer in my life, for the projects that I then went on to abandon and the plans that I had but never achieved.
I SO love my life and I am oh, soooo grateful to be where I am. I know that I needed to explore those areas and to go through that loss to get to where I am now. No one said however, that it wouldn't hurt. A LOT.
I decided to go easy on myself today. To trust that I would be okay. However, I kept being guided to reads stories about mamas. I am hoping that it's to prepare me and that I will get to have my own mamahood journey before long. I pray that I will get to experience that particular joy. I was talking with a friend about how I feel really 'empty' right now. Of course that's the absolute worst time to have a child. I never want to bring a baby into the world to try and fill a gap. In my opinion, a baby should only EVER be an addition to an already rich and rewarding life. Otherwise how will I cope with the lack of sleep, the feeling like crap all the time and the inability to leave the house without a lot of planning. Oh hang on a sec, that sure sounds a lot like my life over the last seven years with ME/CFS and food allergies ha ha Maybe things wouldn't be as hard as I think :P
So, an honest look at where I am in life right now...
As always, take care and know that you're loved!
I have vulnerability issues. I literally never, ever feel safe in the world. As you can imagine, this causes many problems for me in day to day life, but it seems to be making the creating of a business next to impossible.
I am sick of this self-sabotage and I want to play bigger, but when it comes down to fundamental belief systems, you can’t just do a couple of sessions with a Life Coach or spend a week or two on it!
I have spent the last 5 years working on this on a daily basis and I am only just getting to a place where I can see a glimmer of possibility. That’s pretty big! I am tired of people telling me that it’s easy to fix and seeing me as faulty. Guess what guys, that’s my issue and if you continue to see me that way, how am I ever meant to get better?
As many people know from their own childhoods, that there are many families that function with the philosophy that ‘children are neither seen, nor heard’. As an only child whose parents worked long hours, I learnt to live in my own world, to be independent. That is not natural for me, (I am an ENFP and need a lot of people time) but as a highly sensitive person, it was the only way to cope.
I am scared to live big, it is so ingrained in me to be in the background, to meet other people’s needs and to not have any of my own, that I struggled for many years to even have a personality of my own! These days I am living authentically ME and I am a whirlwind of ‘Allie’ but still, every time that I come out of my shell, I get extremely vulnerable and need to cave again, sometimes for weeks, or even months! before I can summon enough bravery to try again.
When I was running OnlineCoachSupport.com with Colleen Roberts, I would do something big, something that I was proud of, but the first hint of negativity and I literally shut down. In the past this meant ‘checking out’ and I had severe episodes. I cannot remember anything about these periods. The longest lasted three months in my early 20s. When I was with my ex-fiance, they happened a lot. I would put my ideas forward, he would disagree, we would have a fight and it would send me into an ‘episode’. Apparently I would lie in bed and stare vacantly at the wall for hours, days, or sometimes weeks. I have no recollection of these periods, except for the intense emotional pain washing through my body.
I am soooo very proud of the fact that I no longer need to ‘check out’ to cope with life. Although it has taken a lot of work and commitment to get to this point. Some of the examples include:
Life is incredibly hard for me still. An expert in my condition likened it to having no skin on your arms and dealing with the pain that would result. Every time someone rubbed up against you, every time the wind blew etc Yet, we would be careful with this person. Having a condition where my emotions are raw however, people just mock me. I am labled as ‘mentally ill’, ‘crazy’, ‘worthless’, ‘overly sensitive’, a ‘drama queen’ etc. I really have NO idea how I am going to manage to be successful in a world where ‘doing’ equals successful.
However, I am soooo incredibly proud of where I am in life and what I have achieved already. Going to dance classes and being willing to be a complete beginner is hard, yet I am doing it. Learning to not be devastated when a boy I like is not interested is hard, yet I regularly still ask them out and I am learning rejection coping strategies.
I yearn to matter in the world, but it’s still a major issue for me... I want to LIVE BIG!
I just watched a Webinar on creating and launching e-courses. I have been writing ‘Have a Love Affair with Yourself’ for the last six months. I have been living it for a lot longer. Yet I feel like I have no right to tell other people how to live. I believe so strongly in people being independent and respected for being who they are, that I don’t want to change them. I do not believe in ‘one size fits all’. I believe I have taken this into consideration in my course, but I am scared to see. I am scared to see if this will be a success, because then there is no going back. No possibility to ‘check out’ and what if I cannot cope…?
But then again, one of the techniques that I mention in the course is about setting up a support network ‘before’ doing the work, so perhaps I should take my own darn advice and get started…
Action Step One: Actually post this on my blog.
Wish my luck my darlings, I so am going to need it.
Oh, and if you want more information on my e-course as I get braver and start telling people, join my mailing list at
Most days I am in alignment with the fact that I am a spiritual being having a human experience.
Some days, like today, I get so bogged down by my 'humanness' that I forget and need reminding.
When I struggle to 'be me', when I feel that I am being shaken around, like being caught in waves at the beach, not knowing which way is up, I often need to get out of my 'drama' and remind myself that everyone goes through this. That the drama is not 'who' I am, but merely a part of my human experience.
Of course what I am going through IS important and it is necessary to go through to become even more in alignment with my true self. Anything that is important, is worth fighting for. One way that I can remind myself that I am on the right path, that living authentically IS the right way to live, is to read or watch content from people who I feel speak a similar message to what I believe.
Today, when things got hard, I watched the following two videos. They spoke directly to the part of my spirit that was seeking and they were just what I needed today. I put them here in case anybody else needs them too.
The Power of Authenticity
This video is a great reminded that what we speak, is a vital part of who we are as authentic beings.
Learn it, Live it, Give it.
This video really made me look at whether i am loving the life I am living NOW and the visualisation exercise at the end, really helped me to see that what I am doing now, truly IS setting me up to have the future that I desire.
Allie gets naked...
After watching these videos, I managed to calm myself down enough, to do enough self-soothing, that I then recorded the following video for my business OnlineCoachSupport.com. It took a bucket-load of courage and i am so very proud to have taken such a big step. Let me know what you think :)
So, I am now feeling a little vulnerable, and using my own advice that I am 'good enough' just as I am :)
Take care and talk to you again, sometime.
Be open to life.
Let people in, let opportunities in.
Be vulnerable, Be courageous.
Love Yourself First
Don't expect any one to be able to meet your needs if you don't know what they are yourself!
I love the New Year.
Another habit that I am working on cultivating this month, along with drinking my litre of water in the morning, is mindful eating. In Sea Change, Leo suggests two minutes of Mindful Eating. In a bid to get healthier and release some excess weight on my body that is no longer serving me, John and I have started eating our meals with cake forks. I have a bit of a 'thing' for wee things and cake forks are one of the ultimate utensils in my mind. No only are they a tiny fork, a lot of them have a little built-in knife. Woot woot! (As it happens, I seem to love multi-purpose utensils. I also really like sporks, but that's a story for another day.)
Soooo anyhow, back to mindful eating: each meal I sit with my food on a small plate or bowl with a little fork. I focus on each mouthful, savouring the taste, the smell, the sensations. I feel how the food sits with my body, whether I have any resistance to it. I feel when I am starting to feel full and I stop eating.
Leo suggests mindful eating for one meal a day, but as I have already practised that, I have upped my goal to all food that I consume. It's really making a difference and I really want to continue with this and ensure it becomes a firm habit!
So these two water bottles sit next to my bed. Each evening I fill them with filtered water and place them on my bedside table and every morning I drink both of them before I eat or drink anything else.
As I said here, I am participating in Leo Babauta's Sea Change programme. January 2014 is the month of Mindfulness. He encouraged us to start the year off with 2 mins of Mindful Sitting (basically the start of meditation). However he had an alternative for people who struggle with creating habits or keeping them going long enough for lasting change. He suggested choosing a 'easy' win to focus on for the month. I knew that the one thing that would make a big difference in my life was drinking a litre of water first thing in the morning, so I decided to focus on that.
SO HOW AM I GOING?
The next morning was harder and I didn't finish the entire litre before I had my coffee, but I did consume the entire litre and I am calling this a win. I signed up to the Sea Change programme on the 3rd and committed to continuing for January. The 3rd until the 10th I have drunk the entire litre before any food or other drinks. The first few days took a LONG time to drink. I felt full and uncomfortable. Now I drink it in 15-20 mins and it feels great.
I had intended to just focus on this for the month and make it into a habit. I think I have finally committed however as I am managing it easily. Perhaps having John staying with me has made a difference? Maybe it's that I am motivated after deciding on my One Little Word – Purpose? I am not entirely sure. All I know for certain is, it feels right and I want to continue!
So instead of only focussing on building this habit during the month, I have decided to incorporate the second week Mindfulness habit of Mindful Eating as well. This adds a little complexity to the table as I am still continuing with the Week 1 habit, but I am bringing in the Week 2 habit as well.
What habits are you purposefully cultivating in 2014?
A recently engaged girl in her mid-thirties living and loving life as best she can. Passionate about health, art and personal development with a side order of getting organised. A business woman, a sexual authenticity coach and a mixed-media artist.
Crazy Monday Kit
One Little Word
Purpose 2014 OLW